Gym, Tan, Laundry

In 3 simple words, this is what separates Pauly D and the Situation from the rest of the cast to this point. We are closing in on Atlantic City, which should provide ample opportunity for Ronnie's continued emergence and Snookie's quest to find her next "Russ." However, we have reached an interesting juncture in our journey. Perhaps Sammi Sweetheart summarized it best following last week's late-night porch skirmish, when she denounced the Grenade Launcher with that deepest of insults: "You don't even look Italian!" Now that's harsh. And indeed, quite correct. In Seaside Heights, there is absolutely no personality substitute for looking the part. In fact, the entire point is looking the part and owning the shit out of it, as the Grenade Launcher and her uppity crew perhaps finally learned.

Yet there is a substantial portion of the house that seems quite comfortable letting the Guido guard down at numerous junctures in the program. Sammi mopes around the house in her community college gear, J-Woww will slap on a pair of sweats and attempt to resemble something that did not emerge from the deepest recesses of a roadside peepshow, and then there's Vinny. Oh, Vinny. While his family life indicates that he may actually be the house's truest Italian, he lies at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to Sammi Sweetheart's definition of the term. Deriding "Gym, Tan, Laundry" sealed Vinny's fate. This loser gets dominated in the gym, appears as if he has never once seen the sun all summer, and possesses but one tired and feeble dance move. It's a tremendous miracle that he was even able to makeout with Danny's washed-up dinner date. Which brings us back to The Situation and Pauly D. Neither of these 2 specimens has ever appeared on screen with a hair out of place, a bicep uncontracted, or hearts in the wrong place. They are in that house for the right reasons, and Gym, Tan, Laundry is the perfect reflection of that philosophy. The fact that immediately following the most "real" moment of the season, The Situation continued the relentless pursuit of his lifestyle is a testament to his deep understanding of who he is. He and Pauly D share a code, they share a system, and they share a commitment to being everything Sammi desired when she shouted those words and everything the Grenade Launcher wasn't. Let's allow The Situation take it from here: "if everything's put together, and you feel great, you look great...awesome night." Amen, brother.

Alright, We’ve Got a Situation

Since this fine program debuted a week ago, one question has plagued me above all others. What exactly is “the Situation?” We have several viable options, all of which seem to make sense in different contexts. However, just like Rowdy Roddy Piper tells us, as soon as we think we have the answers, Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino changes all the questions. His genius lies in his ability to constantly and suddenly shift our perceptions of what the Situation actually is, and we are left only to ponder about the true nature of this elusive beast.

Is it his abs? In the opening segment, he tells us that “my abs are so ripped up it’s called the Situation,” certainly a strong piece of evidence. However, as he is wont to do, the Situation seems to contradict himself later when before their first dinner he says that “the Situation sits at the head of the house.” Surely, he could not have been anthropomorphizing his abdominal muscles by referring to them as the de facto head of the family? No, I think we would be giving him a little too much credit when he has clearly demonstrated his lack of mastery over the English language (he seems to think that “broads” is a synonym for both “women” and “roommates”).

The final twist comes later in the show, when the group goes out clubbing. Mr. Sorrentino looks directly into the camera and says with a light-hearted but nevertheless threatening menace, “If you don’t love the Situation, I’m going to make you love the Situation.” Here it seems he could be referring to himself again, but we must also consider that he is going to a club in a (likely futile) attempt to get laid. I would offer, then, that he is referring to the uncomfortable sexual situation some hapless young co-ed is likely to find herself in when he approaches her on the dance floor.

Whether any true resolution to this question exists, only time will tell. All I can say is, I’m looking forward to seeing what new and creative applications of his self-appointed moniker he comes up with this week.