In 3 simple words, this is what separates Pauly D and the Situation from the rest of the cast to this point. We are closing in on Atlantic City, which should provide ample opportunity for Ronnie's continued emergence and Snookie's quest to find her next "Russ." However, we have reached an interesting juncture in our journey. Perhaps Sammi Sweetheart summarized it best following last week's late-night porch skirmish, when she denounced the Grenade Launcher with that deepest of insults: "You don't even look Italian!" Now that's harsh. And indeed, quite correct. In Seaside Heights, there is absolutely no personality substitute for looking the part. In fact, the entire point is looking the part and owning the shit out of it, as the Grenade Launcher and her uppity crew perhaps finally learned.
Yet there is a substantial portion of the house that seems quite comfortable letting the Guido guard down at numerous junctures in the program. Sammi mopes around the house in her community college gear, J-Woww will slap on a pair of sweats and attempt to resemble something that did not emerge from the deepest recesses of a roadside peepshow, and then there's Vinny. Oh, Vinny. While his family life indicates that he may actually be the house's truest Italian, he lies at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to Sammi Sweetheart's definition of the term. Deriding "Gym, Tan, Laundry" sealed Vinny's fate. This loser gets dominated in the gym, appears as if he has never once seen the sun all summer, and possesses but one tired and feeble dance move. It's a tremendous miracle that he was even able to makeout with Danny's washed-up dinner date. Which brings us back to The Situation and Pauly D. Neither of these 2 specimens has ever appeared on screen with a hair out of place, a bicep uncontracted, or hearts in the wrong place. They are in that house for the right reasons, and Gym, Tan, Laundry is the perfect reflection of that philosophy. The fact that immediately following the most "real" moment of the season, The Situation continued the relentless pursuit of his lifestyle is a testament to his deep understanding of who he is. He and Pauly D share a code, they share a system, and they share a commitment to being everything Sammi desired when she shouted those words and everything the Grenade Launcher wasn't. Let's allow The Situation take it from here: "if everything's put together, and you feel great, you look great...awesome night." Amen, brother.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Mike, Our Hero
"Jersey Shore" has a patron saint and his name is Mike. Displaying some of the strongest, most aggressive guido tactics to date, Mike reached deep inside his heart and gave us all an invaluable gift; he drove in from Staten Island to break up with his girlfriend Jolie at the club. Ever perceptive, Mike immediately informed Jolie of a suspicion: "I don't know why, but I have a really bad feeling about this." And he was absolutely correct. Mike's impending divorce had clearly lead him to think long and hard about his life and his relationship with Jolie, who he hadn't even seen in weeks (time sequence is another issue that begs examination). The passage of time will destroy relationships, and Mike understood this. We are all the beneficiaries of his remarkable intuition and unabashed candor.
Before Jolie packed up her trash bags and headed out of sight of the Italian flag mural, the house was being held back. It was as if Jersey Shore had one too many pieces in its complex puzzle. The sight of Jolie's all-natural torso departing for home was a breath of fresh air, and this opens up significant operating room for the boys' late night hot tub sessions and the 3 remaining girls' attempts to observe cock rings. So, Mike we salute you. In concert with Danny "the Boss" (who has now emerged as a strong yet woefully out of place and potentially combustible secondary character), you have rid the house of perhaps the final remaining barrier to all-out mayhem.
Before Jolie packed up her trash bags and headed out of sight of the Italian flag mural, the house was being held back. It was as if Jersey Shore had one too many pieces in its complex puzzle. The sight of Jolie's all-natural torso departing for home was a breath of fresh air, and this opens up significant operating room for the boys' late night hot tub sessions and the 3 remaining girls' attempts to observe cock rings. So, Mike we salute you. In concert with Danny "the Boss" (who has now emerged as a strong yet woefully out of place and potentially combustible secondary character), you have rid the house of perhaps the final remaining barrier to all-out mayhem.
Alright, We’ve Got a Situation
Since this fine program debuted a week ago, one question has plagued me above all others. What exactly is “the Situation?” We have several viable options, all of which seem to make sense in different contexts. However, just like Rowdy Roddy Piper tells us, as soon as we think we have the answers, Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino changes all the questions. His genius lies in his ability to constantly and suddenly shift our perceptions of what the Situation actually is, and we are left only to ponder about the true nature of this elusive beast.
Is it his abs? In the opening segment, he tells us that “my abs are so ripped up it’s called the Situation,” certainly a strong piece of evidence. However, as he is wont to do, the Situation seems to contradict himself later when before their first dinner he says that “the Situation sits at the head of the house.” Surely, he could not have been anthropomorphizing his abdominal muscles by referring to them as the de facto head of the family? No, I think we would be giving him a little too much credit when he has clearly demonstrated his lack of mastery over the English language (he seems to think that “broads” is a synonym for both “women” and “roommates”).
The final twist comes later in the show, when the group goes out clubbing. Mr. Sorrentino looks directly into the camera and says with a light-hearted but nevertheless threatening menace, “If you don’t love the Situation, I’m going to make you love the Situation.” Here it seems he could be referring to himself again, but we must also consider that he is going to a club in a (likely futile) attempt to get laid. I would offer, then, that he is referring to the uncomfortable sexual situation some hapless young co-ed is likely to find herself in when he approaches her on the dance floor.
Whether any true resolution to this question exists, only time will tell. All I can say is, I’m looking forward to seeing what new and creative applications of his self-appointed moniker he comes up with this week.
Is it his abs? In the opening segment, he tells us that “my abs are so ripped up it’s called the Situation,” certainly a strong piece of evidence. However, as he is wont to do, the Situation seems to contradict himself later when before their first dinner he says that “the Situation sits at the head of the house.” Surely, he could not have been anthropomorphizing his abdominal muscles by referring to them as the de facto head of the family? No, I think we would be giving him a little too much credit when he has clearly demonstrated his lack of mastery over the English language (he seems to think that “broads” is a synonym for both “women” and “roommates”).
The final twist comes later in the show, when the group goes out clubbing. Mr. Sorrentino looks directly into the camera and says with a light-hearted but nevertheless threatening menace, “If you don’t love the Situation, I’m going to make you love the Situation.” Here it seems he could be referring to himself again, but we must also consider that he is going to a club in a (likely futile) attempt to get laid. I would offer, then, that he is referring to the uncomfortable sexual situation some hapless young co-ed is likely to find herself in when he approaches her on the dance floor.
Whether any true resolution to this question exists, only time will tell. All I can say is, I’m looking forward to seeing what new and creative applications of his self-appointed moniker he comes up with this week.
The Nicknames
What's the deal with the nicknames? In the first episode Vinny made fun of JWOWW (note the extra W) for introducing herself by her non-christian name, which begs the question, was the cast allowed to choose their own name? (this blog's namesake certainly appears to enjoy his)? Or did some producer randomly assign some ridiculous callsign like some insensitive Ellis Island bureaucrat? (Come to think of it, where do top gun pilots get their callsigns?) Where I come from, nicknames are not unheard of, but are usually just bastardizations of first and last names rather than seemingly unrelated phrases, intentional misspellings, and made up words (what is a snooki anyhow?). In any case, they seem to be, at best, loosely applied. Angelina has quickly become "Jolie", and Snooki has quickly become "Snickers" (genius - she is dark on the outside, sweet on the inside, and very nutty).
Some primitive cultures believe that individuals should be allowed to change their names to reflect their current circumstances and worldview. I think I read a childrens' book once where the main character's father wanted to build an airplane and so changed his name to "Wind Rider", and I saw a movie where a lady changed her name to Latrine in the 8th century (good change - it used to be "Shithouse"). Perhaps a similar concept is at work in guido culture, where names form organically, reflecting not only traits and characteristics of the person, but also of their state of mind and role within the group's social hierarchy and collective worldview, which is, of course, highly dynamic. The question is, will MTV alter their superimposed appellations during their interview segments to reflect these inevitable changes, or will they stubbornly hold to their original assignments?
Some primitive cultures believe that individuals should be allowed to change their names to reflect their current circumstances and worldview. I think I read a childrens' book once where the main character's father wanted to build an airplane and so changed his name to "Wind Rider", and I saw a movie where a lady changed her name to Latrine in the 8th century (good change - it used to be "Shithouse"). Perhaps a similar concept is at work in guido culture, where names form organically, reflecting not only traits and characteristics of the person, but also of their state of mind and role within the group's social hierarchy and collective worldview, which is, of course, highly dynamic. The question is, will MTV alter their superimposed appellations during their interview segments to reflect these inevitable changes, or will they stubbornly hold to their original assignments?
The (De)Evolution of the Species
We should not overlook the fact that Tommy Cheeseballs, elder statesman of the Guido movement that he is, nevertheless owes a great deal to those who came before him. Things were wild on the boardwalk long before Tommy had ever done his first biceps curl...
...Note the strong female role models we see here. These are the women who know what the want and and take no shit. Instinctually drawn to the Shore because, as Janet sagely notes, "it's different," these pioneering women knew then what J-WOWWW et al. are just beginning to learn; a Guidette will always have "a strike up" on their Guido men because, at the end of the day, they'll always have that check to cash.
Nowadays one things is certain, the Shore is magical place filled with endless possibility. With the right amount of bronzer, a tank-top, and your hair did just right, you very well might find the love of your life. Or you might wake up in the ER. To survive on the Shore, you need to have your wits about you, your head on a swivel, and clearly, you gotta smilin', you gotta be dancin', you gotta be shakin' that ass!
That's the Situation. Let's watch the drama unfold.
Vinny's hours
As we all now know, Vinny came down with a nasty case of pink eye following a night of enthusiastic and apparently friction-filled partying at Karma. However, the untold story lies in Vinny's supposed inability to work his first day at The Corner. According to Vinny, his doctor's appointment at 3:30 prevented him from working a 3-9 shift, despite the fact that he "really wanted to work." He then spent the balance of the morning harassing Sammi Sweetheart and Jolie to cover his shift, which caused a minor rift in the house. Now we are not here to question Vinny's medical condition, but we do submit that his sincerity in wanting to work is highly questionable. Considering that it appeared to take the doctor about 10 seconds to diagnose Vinny's pink eye, let's delve further into some numbers while remaining very generous to Vinny:
- Vinny was probably 20 minutes late to the appointment, because he's Vinny and he was probably talking strategy for later that night with Pauly D.
- Doctors are frequently late seeing patients, let alone a last minute scheduling. Also, logistical issues involving an MTV camera crew shooting inside a confidential medical office probably caused some delays. Let's put these total delays while in the office at 45 minutes.
- Despite the elementary diagnosis, let's just pretend Vinny was in there for 15 minutes chatting up the doc about the hottub.
- Pink eye is an infection that requires antibiotics, so Vinny needed to stop at a pharmacy to pick up his prescription. Perhaps there was a line of 10 minutes, and then he had to wait another 15 to get his prescription filled.
- Google Maps indicates one opthamologist in Seaside Heights. However, there are more than a dozen in Toms River, which is a maximum 20 minute drive. To be safe, let's say it took Vinny 30 minutes to drive home from the doctor.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
How we arrived here
If you don't remember the gentleman pictured at left, you probably shouldn't be here (or at the very least, stop reading and watch). All of this is a result of him. More than 6 years have passed since Tommy and his cheese balls first graced the airwaves and revolutionized our conceptions of what reality television could accomplish. MTV's "True Life: I Have a Summer Share" opened our eyes to a group of individuals whose personalities, appearances, and daily lives shocked and amazed.In so many ways, Tommy embodied the ideal character: completely at ease in front of the camera, absolutely unafraid to bear his innermost thoughts to an enraptured audience, and of course, tattooed/bic'd/juiced/iced. Furthermore, his gruff exterior forged on the construction sites of Whippany, NJ masked a sensitive and caring individual just searching desperately for his soulmate. This complex mixture frequently turned volatile when alcohol was introduced, fueling some of the show's most glorious and horrifying moments. As a sage cowboy once said, "sometimes there's a man who, well, he's just the man for his time and place." This was Tommy in 2003 on the Jersey shore.
Since then, something interesting has happened. Apparently life on the Jersey shore has become significantly more outrageous; the impossible truly has happened. Based on the early returns, it is TSR's opinion that while Tommy achieved iconic status for his time and place, the characters of today's "Jersey Shore" have substantially upped the ante. The unabashed level of absurdity overwhelms "Summer Share." If scientifically possible without killing a man, the "Jersey Shore" cast is akin to Tommy on steroids; think of Tommy as Steve Largent to JS's Andre Johnson. Yet this latest group of revelers still has much to prove. Tommy was an important part of our lives because of his ability to both repulse (think 1 bathroom shared by "20-30" people) and endear (packing his "woobie," the blanket his mother knit him as a baby). While the cast of JS has already indicated they are more than willing and able to raise the bar with regard to the former, only time will tell if they can pull through on the latter. Regardless, Tommy and his Kangol collection will always hold a special place in our hearts as true pioneers. He laid the foundation, and now it's up to The Situation, DJ Pauly D, and J-WOWW to carry that heavy torch forward. We're all counting on them.
Here's the Situation
Welcome to the definitive weblog exclusively dedicated to the force of nature known as MTV's Jersey Shore. Here we shall provide intelligent, titillating,and most importantly, thought-provoking analysis of perhaps the most fascinating reality program in history. Thanks for stopping by, and if you're a hater, you can get the fuck out.
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